The Words I Never Thought I'd Publicize

I wasted my tears on you
I wasted a whole year on you
Just to see everything fall apart again
Just to lose another friend
Who I thought was true
But ain't nothing true about you
Leaving me torn and blue
Feeling confused
Me, misused?
Never thought that it would be me,
Emotionally abused

And it hurts to see you sit back and smirk
As I still hope that things could work
When it's apparent that they can't
Since you can't act like a grown man
So, was I expecting too much?
Just wanting to hear your pleasant voice and feel your lovely touch
And I swear yall always make me feel like
The jokes on me
`Cause I'm the only one EVER getting hurt

Hurt?
Do you know how it feels?
To be in love with
Lies.
Betrayal.
Melancholy.
Backstabbing.
Hatred.
Every bad thing that no one should
Ever have to deal with
And on top of that
Fall in love with

Man, you don't know one thing
About how it feels to deal
Or what's real
You can't tell the truth
Even if I wanted you to
Because you can't even accept you
But how about to start
You stop breaking my heart
Then, that can lead you to stop pretending
To stop being what you're not

And mind games?
You said I used to play them
But look who's playing now
Who's always the one
Watching me frown,
Crying,
Trying,
Silently dying
Because I smile so you can't
Notice the pain in my voice
So you can really make me your special choice

Hanging myself with the dreams that never came true
Drowning myself in the tears I cry because of you
Choking myself on the words I never said
Always loving you instead

The hearts in my notebook
The XOXO's at the end of my letters
The tears that stained each page in my journal
As my eyes got wetter
And every flame in my eyes
Every hospital visit
And therapist I should have to see

Represents each time I believed your lies
Each word unspoken
Each dream shattered
Each salty tear
Each dial tone on your end
Each worthless poem I wrote for you
Each suicide thought you caused
Each again after you never thanked me
Each sorry you didn't deserve
Each breath I wasted on "I love you"
Each time I waited for "I love you too"
EVERYTHING you ever did
EVERYTHING you never did

And here's to the first time
You will ever hear me say
That I hate you