Some of you gonna feel me on this and some of you are not...know that I know that now. God has in every religion a purpose for each person. Everyone is a part of something. Some people are intended to do certain things...gifted we'll say I guess...in every faith...there are those that stand out and/or impact the masses...now say you have one of these gifts. But you do not want the gifts, you desire some other path for yourself...so in resistance you do not use the gifts...as if you could really do that. What kinds of things do you do? I'll tell you...you do the opposite of what you know you should, on purpose - with the added security that being gifted, allows you always the ability to sustain the consequences if there are any...so you go all in...all in the wrong that is.

I have done something in the last 10 years like that...I know what I should be doing, but I insist on doing what I want to do. Certainly I was advised to do otherwise but I am spiteful as shit and I didn't want to do or be what I was advised. Funny thing is I have no idea really what I wanted to do, so I collected professional licenses of all kinds. I am certified and accredited in a series of shit I don't use half the time, lol...but my resume' is tight and on paper I have a career - but I in no way have any passion about being in real estate or philanthropy (meaning I'd rather write a check than a grant)...with each rise in position though, I lost piece by piece my inner peace...at sometimes even my joy...so I then attempted to barter with God...but I didn't see it that way...so I really didn't know that I have been wrong for the last few years even when I tried to be the kinder - gentler Cat...that wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.

Now I am here,...let me just start by saying that I am a firm believer despite all my efforts to go opposite, whenever He wants to - God puts me someplace he wants me...for me to see something, do something, or learn something...it has happened a few times before...at times I didn't understand why...and I didn't always pay attention...others, later - I learned to submit and absorb...on 2 occasions I can think of I was placed someplace that I needed something I learned from one of the other misguided attempts to resist...and like I said now I am here...

It's not just that my work makes me have to talk to stupid people every day...with the way I feel about humans that's all jobs...deep down I know that, but I didn't know until today what it was. Someone I met today said something to me that for all intents and purposes we can call an epiphany. I am not being punished, I am being taught a lesson...about true obedience...and I was sent to the south, or the "Bible Belt" as we call it...I am pretty sure I am not making sense right now, it's just coming out this way right now because I am still processing what I have to do and what it means...all I can say is this really...I avoid religious people - or at least up until now I have, and try to insulate my dealings with righteous people...for now I'll keep my feelings about religious people out of this...but it means something...I must either learn to be more submissive and less practiced...or God will continue to take me where He wants me, let me think that I wanted to go, and then learn that He put me there...again...once more, my peace diminished...

What I am looking at now is proof once more, that being a good person, and living right and trying to do right - by yourself and others... accepting who you are for yourself...working on and loving yourself...none of these things bring me peace...and they never will...my peace will only come when I make peace with that which I have been trying to get as far away from as I could...and never being truly away from it...if that makes sense...so if I really want the peace I say I pray for...the question is do I want it enough now, finally...after all this that I have been through...now...do I want it enough to do what I always have known must be...or would I care to go a few more rounds???