* vibe with me GS, this may be thee most emotional write I ever bled on, and y’all have read plenty from rape, to cancer, to my dead beat biological dad, and then some…these are emotions I need to release for my step dad who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and real talk, I’d give my life right now to save his… y’all fucking with Emo pro right now…I’m sorry but vibe with me I been sitting on this response for a minute and was going to go another route then my dad’s illness came on and ummmm…fuck… yea this is for him*



He spoke
the heavens parted as his wings caressed the sky
I listened wide eyed in disbelief
heard his voice roar like a thousand thunder storms into the night
Watched his lips move and heard nothing
Clutched his hand like our ages reversed
Maybe the frequency in his voice was low
Maybe I was fighting so hard to count to 1000
Before my tear drops hit his lap so much so I tuned out
His diagnosis
Our eyes met and in that instant I knew I was blessed
To feel the spongy part of his thumb massage my cheek bones
My guardian
….. he sat across from me contrast in our skin tone meshed as knees bumped together
…….. I needed to be close
Didn’t know how much time I had left
So with every breath that consumed my being
I would tell him I love him
Déjà-vu
A year and some months ago we were perched on the moon
Having the same conversation with the stars
Except the place settings were reversed
He sat there looking defeated
bags under his eyes held more than anything Louis Vuitton could create
I closed my eyes momentarily and drifted into childhood reverie
3 yr old me…hopped on his lap and labeled him daddy
5 yr old me show and tell who would I show? No one but he
8 yr old me being picked on at school… who but him, taught me being a nerd was cool
13 yr old me…. 1st period who else did I ask, daddy is this sticky part pose to cling to my ass?
15 yr old me…. On the brink of suicide… he told me I could do great things if I stayed alive
17 yr old me…. Said as if it was an omen, I like girls, he said good, now we have much more in common
21 yr old me…. Pregnant and alone thought I was crazy, he said my daughter is about to have “our” baby
27 yr old me…. Daddy, I have cancer, WE’RE going to beat this, was his answer
AND I FUCKING DID!
Every tear ever cried was on his shoulder
He made me believe that I could move boulders
For 26 years I never saw him minus his cape
And if he shed tears it was never while awake
Today,
I realized although he was dipped in divinity
He wasn’t exempt from life’s trials, like you or me
As he spoke I held my composure
Didn’t want him to see my tears runneth over
So I sat up straight like he taught me
crossing my legs at the ankles
as he spoke in a whisper that resembled cherubs singing
He taught me how to find beauty in ugliness
Told me my fingertips could heal if I touched someone the right way
that no matter how fucked up life is tomorrow was a brand new day
Made it safe to sleep with no night light since I was being watched
By someone so God Like
He was powerful every word spoken like a prophecy
Every lesson taught brought out the best in me
Guardian
Chest heaving as rain drops splashed against his lashes
Fell from his face and landed in my palms
I choked stomach swollen with helplessness
How does one protect their hero?
He’s scared to die…..
Die to an immortal is oxymoronic
I had so much I wanted to say to him
But opted to caress the tips of his wings
Rubbed my finger against their juncture on his shoulder blades
Wondered what God was doing at the moment
It was that time again to converse over warm tea and psalms
Placed my guardian in her palms
As a river parted his nose and the dam broke allowing flood gates to flee
He looked at me with such certainty when he said “Bebe, this isn’t it for me”
Part of me held on to his optimism since the fight had just begun
He said I can’t leave and pointed to a picture of my child his grandson
So even as I type this I know wholeheartedly that angels aren’t supposed to die….
But, until tonight I didn’t even know that they could cry